My New Drug

Today for the first time I truly felt happy and motivated to do things, It felt like I could take on the whole world. Saddly this moment only lasted a couple of minutes BUT it was still an eye opening experience because it allowed me to think back about how I survived my life, my old drugs. Back in the good ol school day I used to smoke weed, when I look back at it, it was my happiest time, everyday consisted of video games, weed, and finishing school work. What I look back now and see was that I was depressed, I was lonely, constantly sad, and did everything I could do to make it through the day. What today did was open my eyes to the life I could have, Iv been on depression meds for maybe less than a year now and recently started taking depression injections, Today I never felt so good, whether it only for a couple of minutes I saw just how happy I can be in life, and that opens my eyes to how many people suffer in silence. I was suffering without even knowing it, living day in day out like a lonely mindless robot waiting for the next high to keep me going, but now I can see just what happiness awaits anyone searching for it, just what the world looks like from a happier perspective. How many people follow the same schedule I followed, constantly struggling through life, can you imagine the silent suffering millions of people go through without them even knowing? Suffering is silent, it hides itself in the shadow and sucks on your soul, constantly draining you without control or warning. In a perfect world, there would be people who realize this and wish to find those poor people and help them to, in a sense, "show them the light" where you literally tell them how they could feel and hope they seek this "sober happiness". Life can seem like a sucky thing but it doesnt always have to be this way, it can be much less painful and more happy but you have to see the problem in order to realize a solution, all I want is for people to live happily and I hope by writing about stuff like this people can see what really needs to be done to change a miserable planet to make happy again.

Think about THAT

When the day passes what do you think about, as a psychosis patient my thoughts mainly revolve around some sort of spiritual understanding, like focusing on truly taking in peoples words how they intend to sound to the listener or trying to think about some sort of "Meaning of life" so far i'm stuck at life is meaningless but happy, with a more positive outlook, but does that mean others think about the same things? Well, everyone ponders the meaning of life every so often, usually ending up with something more positive to end off on, but why do we do this? As far as evolution go's, we never evolved to think about the deeper meaning of things, but we do for our own self interest, we want to know we mean something more than just being electric meat sacks floating in a void, we want to know the thought of every person is important and my belief is that everyone is important, because we have the ability to think for ourselves and question the way the universe is. Think about it, even early humans would think to themselves "is there more" or "what is death" seeming to question their own existence and constantly searching for answers, consciousness isn't something that's common to this universe, truly understanding oneself and seeing just how rare life in the universe is, is a extraordinary thing. thinking is something so knew yet it holds its own purpose, to know more. Another question that's to suppose is, who was the first self? The first being in life that recognized itself and do you think that being began to question the outside universe or did those creatures seem to fall under a different category of thinking, where they only think simplistic, "life forced" thoughts, like whats next to eat or who do I bang. As a psychosis patient I feel like i'm constantly looking for answers and asking questions with the answer usually never being found, but that's what I think about.

Truly and Honestly (real intro)

Truly and honestly what the fuck is a blog LOL in all honesty what I want to do with this is inspire people to be a better self, and also its somewhere to express my thoughts and opinions about things (I'll go deep into religion later for any people actually reading this)

I dont like writing about myself but I guess its time for a REAL BLOG INTRODUCTION~~~~ Hi i'm Nick Ryan I love to draw and play videogames, my favourite is probably skyrim, I always thought I felt a little more manly slaying dragons then I did playing Pokemon (oh ya I love that game also) Im super deep into spirituality which is why most post topics will involve something spiritual, I never want to cut my hair again and hopefully my mom never makes me, and my favorite food is spaghetti.

Enough about me tho I couldn't care less, what I would like to do is create a fan base of people who believe the same things that I do, which is what my posts consist of (Spiritual findings n stuff) and maybe hopefully become friends with anyone who reads this (I know HUGEE goal) now im also thinking maybe I should have posted this first before anything else lmao

To find that perfect self

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it'll be nearly impossible to find that perfect self, not because you cant do it, but because your definition of perfection is constantly changing. Each and every person has a different definition of perfection, if you set the goal to find your perfect self, through experiencing new things and changing your lifestyle, who's to say someone else doesn't have a perfect self that matches to yours? Maybe the perfect way the world could come together is to become each and every persons perfect self and come together in a some huge sort of  seeking for belonging. After all, we all have the same definition of what a perfect self consists of, like being that truly loving kindness that every person is capable of becoming, one of the big questions though is how do you become "perfect". Well, you start with your thoughts, start thinking a positive outlook on the world and the world will do the same to you, focus your mind on expressing that love you know you hold back from the world and the world will love you back. Its easy enough to be loving but why aren't many people that like that? Because many people live lives disconnected from who they should be or who they're meant to become, unless you argue that people were meant to become savages, but I don't believe that's true, after all were capable of just as much loving emotion, as hateful emotion, but its time to live in that loving emotion.

Do you ever spiritually give up?

When you spiritually give up on something you don't just give up physically, you give up to a point where you totally feel at loss to the thing you're trying to do. Its not like you have a choice if you spiritually give up on something, but what it isn't is an excuse to permanently give up on something.
To me what the urge to give up proves that urge is just another challenge to overcome. There is nothing more satisfying than overcoming that rough mountainous trail and coming out on top knowing you overcame something that deep down you felt you only gave up. Nothing is more satisfying than knowing success that you earned. But what makes a success successful, is it the money, how much you earned after succeeding? What about how much something means to you, sure that could mean the money is important but it can also mean the thought behind what you do becomes worth something, almost like you could put a price tag on the thought of goodness.
To have less people who give up means a world with more winning, it means you living a life where you're constantly gaining, rather then falling into the pit of despair knowing you couldn't complete what you wanted.

Psychosis Dream 2.

Now it's my turn to talk a little more about my story, how many people in the world see psychosis as a black line? What I mean is, seeing a person with psychosis and automatically assuming they mean or are less to society because of this mental illness, it does debilitate the person temporarily but they never leave from doing necessities of life. My case may be different from others though, where my little journey perfectly coincided with my life, i tend to think of it as my perfectly spiritual journey if you don’t mind, and Ill explain why, when I achieved my first enlightening experience. What was going on was me and my friend spent the night hanging out, playing video games, and smoking weed, the night ended with me trying to go to bed when I suddenly felt refreshed and full of energy, I learnt about vibrations and feelings and also that I was a Buddha. After that first enlightenment I instantly did my research and It turned out I believed I was the Maitreya, and also figured that I had thought with the eightfold path my entire life. What I call what happened next my “Buddha Journey”, One night I felt the overwhelming urge to go for a walk, because I had walked the night before I figured Id do it the same way, where I followed the love in music to see where It lead me,and honestly It lead the most unbelievable night for me. Tonight I decided to follow the love in a different direction, It followed me towards the moon. And it was the most beautiful sight, the moon had this radiating blue butterfly that glowed over the moon. It was the most exciting experience because it was something I can't say I actually expected, and even more happened that night. Later after following the music around my town it lead perfectly to a playground, with three red stars above the playground in a perfect triangle, I never understood how I was seeing this but it was the most spiritual experience of my life.

My psychosis was one of the craziest most eye opening experiences of my life, my entire life I never believed In anything, like I said Im a straight atheist, until psychosis took hold on me. I have never believed in so much in my entire life. I believed my guitar had a soul and that I could hear her soul talking to me while I played it, I believed I was a son of god, Death, Satan, a dark angel, God, God’s lover, God’s worst enemy, in a previous life that I was an Aztec god, that Im the chosen one, absolutely everything you could believe In for being the center of the universe I believed it. One thing psychosis isn't is a black line, I believe everything has a purpose and that if you have psychosis there's an outcome specifically for you that is supposed to come out of it. Over time I've learnt to separate my beliefs from who I really am and what I believe in, and can now say I believe that I am spiritually Maitreya, not the center of the world, I believe I'm purely someone who is only loving, and honestly I can say everyone has it in them to be their own special God or Maitreya because that's where our potential lies.

Why not just one perfect world

Everyone is completely spiritually different, explain this, there are three people, the first has bipolar disorder, who used to go on crazy binges but now turned to spirituality and nature and is living her life, the second has bipolar but turned to Christianity, and the third has psychosis and turned to spirituality, how come two people with the same disorder both spiritually turned to something different, because spiritually we're all different, everyone knows that. Because we are spiritually different we have different beliefs and those beliefs make up every sector of our society, It doesn't mean we can't live in perfect harmony but it brings up the question, why aren't we all spiritually dedicated to one religion? My belief is that multiple things hold true in every religion that it's not possible to believe in just one thing without automatically believing in something else. What we need is one thing that's universally truthful, and we’ve always had that one thing we just never took the time to look at it. Spirituality, every religion preaches about that perfect self being spiritually achievable and how it's possible for everyone to be loving. Now why isn't everyone spiritual? Well, did you know some religions preach that spirituality and diving into a deeper knowing of the self is a sin? The reason there isn't a perfect society is because of a mixed up belief of what sin is. Sin can be masturbation, or it can be murder, but spiritually its very clear to see the truth, that sin is murder and hateful intent, not just a little action that gets a bit of pleasure. As a society we need to teach our people that sin is what hateful intent is, we need people being able to clearly understand what sin is to be the judges for themselves.